you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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