So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
