I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
