i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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