ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
