This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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