I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
