Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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