I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
