tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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