Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
