after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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