I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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