I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
