SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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