Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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