i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
