quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
