I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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