Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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