She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
