I love black thongs
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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