Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
