I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
