I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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