would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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