New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
