Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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