i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
