My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
