nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
