I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
