don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
