I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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