Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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