you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
