if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
