i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
