apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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