I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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