I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
