Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
