I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sext me about skeletons
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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