So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
