When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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