I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
