So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
