By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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