I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
