Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
