So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
