I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
