Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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