tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
